time will tell
So i’m exhausted and in no mood to get off the couch in my living room, mainly for two reasons, one being that my laptop is charging and two being that i’m just too damn lazy and this is couch is too comfy. My dad is watching a bad movie that I dont even know the name of which is pretty unusual for me. I’ve come to tuning out the dialogue and just listening to the creepy background music which we all know means something bad is going to happen.
I havent updated about the detox in a while but i’m pretty impressed that i’m still going strong on it i’ve been doing it for about 5 weeks now, I wasnt sure if I was gonna hold up to it seeing as it’s pretty much a liquid diet but it’s been great. We dont have scales in my house, my mom never had them in the house when I was growing up she said she didnt want me or my sister, or any of my brothers for that matter to be kids that spent their lives obsessing over what the scale said so I cant really be 100% but if I had to say I would say i’ve dropped about 20 lbs since i’ve started which i’m pretty impressed with.
As for everything else thats been on my mind, i’m done. I’m done and it feels so good. I’ve figured out…finally that none of it’s worth it. All the shit and nonsense it’s just stuff and I cant keep it swirling around in my head. If I do that i’m just going to miss out whats happening around me, and that defeats so much. OVer the past few years I’ve come to realize that you need to make everything matter to make it all count. To make all your relationships count to make all your days count, to do something that matters, to make someone else feel good besides thinking about yourself, to make your life mean something, to do good. And I feel confident in saying I do all of those things honestly the best I can.
As for now, things arent perfect but nothings perfect, theres a lot that I would change if I could. Not just for myself but for so many other people in my life I’d make it all stop and i’d make it go away forever, but I cant do that and everyday it hurts and everday I feel guilty but at the same time a small piece of resentment and blame thats too timid to show, because how can I feel that way when I look at the life I have. And as for my small circle, well its becoming a circle again, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m done worrying and sitting around thinking i’ve lost so many important people, because I know thats not true anymore, i’m done and I feel so much better.
